1:34
pretending wow just forcing something it really shocked me to see that I was
1:43
like I have felt really close to you last month and delighted and like feeling
1:54
like I'm your best friend and like things that just feel very different than
2:00
they did in January particularly the trip to the US and yeah I get frustrated at
2:09
times but I never think like are we pretending it's incredibly hard for me to I
2:22
love being around people and people over and and enjoying people and for me
2:33
to have to feel like I also ease people my own with no help from you and but at
2:51
same time feeling guilty because you you're you're locking yourself inside
2:57
this room by choice and but I also feel like it's my fault that they're here it's
3:04
the reason why I do it together I need to try to carve out some time for us to
3:22
spend time together and I sent you that message and I would sort of are you
3:34
said well we're here and I was editing video to send it to you so you could see
3:39
what was going on there and a lot of people yelling and we're screaming singing and
3:43
dancing and to pay my read that super cold message was like well you know
4:02
because if I don't because I'm going to know regardless and to me it was like it's
4:13
to spend time with them I communicated very clearly and rackly that I want to
4:21
spend time with them better than each other girls it's gonna not do anything
4:25
dry because I want to spend time with you but you want to go to the show and come
4:31
up and then you're pressed and ready to go when I'm walk in and send me the
4:35
message felt very selfish and sort of weird to me and I'm dealing with a lot
4:57
of things in my therapy and I and I want to dance with her it's working sex and
5:05
and I'm feeling that I don't I'm not ready to talk about it I'm having issues with
5:44
sex and I'm also feeling the pressure about it 96 or opening a relationship or
5:50
whatever and but also being very clear that I want to to myself that I want to walk
6:06
at that bath on my own time and without allowing anything to pressure me to a big
6:30
issue with the fact that I don't feel able or wanting to feel sexually vulnerable
6:46
which is and I don't want to do a lot of therapy and I don't want to pay you know
7:39
things that makes it we kind of we confirm that I should not be vulnerable with
8:10
you sexually and I think about the grinder thing honestly think that it's not
8:24
that you're trying to manipulate or lie to me is that I only honestly think that
8:30
you're lying to yourself like that you don't really that don't think you're being
10:07
you insist that like there's this big secret that I'm you know I'm justifying with but you're
10:14
like no I don't want to see anything it makes me want to vomit thinking about you writing
10:19
these programs and it's like there's like there's like eight topics going on there's
10:35
like eight products that I've built no love show you some of them but you don't seem to be interested
10:41
I'll try to to stir up conversations but you have no interest in seeing anything on my computer
10:55
you because it's some of the things that you've abused in that hospital trauma in a relationship
11:04
and to me specifically if you were saying you're running a program about how to get
11:19
out both in other places and how would the one that look the skins photography places and looks at
11:28
the moon position in a sun position every day you mentioned you but like you didn't say see I want to
11:40
mention I love to say something but yeah one of the products is grinder and it's like how do you say
11:47
I to to to is it something that grinder would be interested in by but it's it's not something that I
11:56
spend a lot of time on I'm spending a lot more time on the owl of magic which is transcribing lessons but
12:07
but you said that I did the redics all of the screen I went and pulled up the screen it was like there
12:12
was not a dick on the screen there was a little grid of the grinder profiles none of them had dicks
12:23
harasses I didn't spend more than milliseconds looking at it but I saw I knew it was
12:33
grinder profiles yeah it was the grinder look but I don't I don't need to rationalize it just far
12:43
I know it's it does matter to me that you think that we're pretending it's just really caught me
13:03
up guard and that you think out you're doing this all by myself by yourself this hosting like wow
13:11
I've been very much participating in this and I feel like from receiving them
13:19
I feel like I've participated a lot and very much was the fact that you think I'm just
13:27
locking myself here in this room you don't want to kick me out of my studio you said it's not
13:33
work so I move the studio here so if I'm back here on the piano I'm locking myself in our bedroom
13:42
I'm trying to just get through the days Kyle I'm not sure that when they go it's going to be much better
13:48
because now we're going to be stuck with ourselves if you want to talk about divorce again if you want to
13:55
but because we're not even able to have a conversation where honest conversation with each other
14:20
without throwing anything at the family I am not saying divorce Graham I said I wonder this is kind of
14:30
I was also explaining to you it's like it you lack the ability to really understand things sometimes like
14:43
a a context and I was telling you like I you want to hear when a kid cannot look back on my
14:50
told you about what you have time it's been telling to me that it's part of your time to be with you and then