0:30
Hi there. Good morning. How are you?
0:40
It's a big side load.
0:41
Yes. It's quite a, quite a side to start the session, but it's just, just where I am.
0:54
Well, I haven't seen you in a month, so.
0:57
It has been a while, and that's, that's a lot can happen. A lot has happened, but
1:06
life is still, still good. And yeah, there's just a lot of, a lot of irritants right now.
1:22
Where would you like to start?
1:25
Yeah, start with something that feels like, like it maybe gets at the root of
1:37
my feeling irritated, which it's not at all a characteristic that, like, irritated is not
1:49
something that I consider myself very often, but I'm just full of it today, and lately, and
1:59
I was telling Kayao a breakfast about something that happened yesterday that
2:08
at my piano lesson that I found really interesting that I was in such a, in such a conflicted place.
2:22
I was, I walked into my piano teachers' apartment at seven o'clock. We were having a seven o'clock
2:32
session with several other people. So I got there on time and
2:39
when I walked into his apartment, I could see that everybody was in the back bedroom, which is kind of
2:46
their, their living room. And even though the piano was in the first room I walked in, like
2:55
I wanted to go with the people were. And it's part of kind of feeling like
3:04
trying to feel at home because I've been told, you know, make yourself at home. And
3:12
don't want to be like the, the guy who sits by the piano, like, okay, who's gonna come take care of me
3:20
with the piano. Like, so I walked back there and, and then I could immediately see why everybody was
3:29
there and my piano teacher was smoking a joint. And his girlfriend was eating food and then the
3:38
drummer was sitting on the food time waiting for the joint to be passed in. And I just kind of
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walked in and just popped down on the food time. And I was like, well, I'm just gonna
3:53
make myself comfortable. And then I, I was like, gosh, what did I just sit down into though?
4:04
Did I just sit myself into the rotation of where the joint's gonna go? And it just, that like made me
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think, ew, that's not cool. What if it, and like I was suddenly really surprised that my teacher
4:24
is this guy who marijuana is a significant part of his life. And yet he's, he's the teacher who,
4:38
who I feel like hung the moon in terms of music. And I, I am constantly amazed at how I just can't
4:48
get enough. And I, anytime he plays, I want to video it. And I'm recording usually with three
4:57
different devices so that I can play back and get the most out of it afterwards.
5:06
And, and here I am like thinking, I actually was thinking, why hasn't the joint ever come to me?
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Like there's been so many times where I've been in this environment with him smoking and he peace,
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he consciously gives the joint to someone else and never has offered to me.
5:36
And never asked. And I feel like I've made it probably early on, I was still smoking pot when I figured
5:50
he was probably, that's what he was doing before the lessons. And I may have given some conversational
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cues that like yeah, I do that too. But every since that, since I got sober, it's been
6:08
very much like it doesn't bother me is kind of the message I think I've sent. But I'm not, I don't,
6:15
that's, you can do that. And at the time, I would smoke my cigarette. And it's like, this is what I do.
6:25
And the cigarette sort of helped, I think, it helped me feel like I have something to hold in my hand.
6:34
It's kind of like the alcoholic who is like everybody is a drink in their hand. And it,
6:42
in plus nicotine does have some physiological effect. And it was like, okay, I got my, my little high.
6:54
And in the last nine, I was just like this, these conflicting messages that one of them was saying
7:04
I feel left out. Why has he never offered me? And then the other part of me is like so grateful that
7:14
he's never offered. Oh, yeah. The last thing I heard was I usually smoked my cigarette. And
8:13
yes. And so I have something to kind of lean on. But last night, I found myself in this really
8:26
ambivalent place of, I wanted both. I wanted, I didn't want to feel left out. I wanted to feel a
8:34
part of. And therefore, I wanted them to offer it to me because like, am I that good of a friend,
8:43
and my that, I don't know, worthy of him wasting his marijuana on. And then on the other hand,
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of course, I'm sober and I'm more than nine months sober and I really want to get to a year. And
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how grateful I should be that my teacher has either a professional boundary and he doesn't smoke
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with people who he pay him and who he teaches, or he gets it that there's something that he's picked
9:19
up that me and pot just don't mix. And I've never had to elaborate on why. And like, and I'm definitely
9:32
lean more towards the gratitude side. But it was so strange to want it both ways.
9:42
And it really reminded me of of something that happened at Kaya's grandfather's funeral that
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there was a mass at the church. And it's the first mass I had ever gone to with Kaya like in almost
10:08
20 years. And I kept thinking during the service like, are they going to do the communion thing,
10:17
where they offer the wine and bread and and what's it going to taste like? And is it going to be
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awkward? And are they going to say something to me when I when they give it to me? And like all these
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thoughts were going through my mind. And I was like, meanwhile, as they're all going through my mind,
10:37
I'm like, please, please God, don't make it such that I have to do this communion thing.