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Happy New Year.
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Hi, Happy New Year.
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Good morning.
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Thank you.
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Good morning.
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It's off to a, off to a rocky start, but, um,
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Okay.
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Fill me in.
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What's going on?
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So, um, Christmas was, you know, the disasters in my life have mostly happened on Christmas
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5, but, um, it's always, it's always something.
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And this year, um, by the time I got to, like, I got to Santa Rosa to be with Kaya for Christmas.
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And I didn't feel, um, I mean, I was taking the information about what had happened with,
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what had developed between me and the Gustavo guy.
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And I wasn't, I was committed to not being dishonest about it, but I was also unsure about
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how quickly I was going to reveal it.
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And when I got there, I immediately felt the distance between me and Kaya,
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and not, not getting any different.
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And, um, we talked, I had a couple of conversations that were heartfelt where he told me about
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the resentments that he had and, um, asking me, telling me that he needed to know what I wanted
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and, um, and me feeling like, I don't know how to answer this.
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Do I know what I want?
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Um, and it, um, it just, I kept it at a distance.
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I kept that information at a distance, and it was, um, we went to another town to spend Christmas
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with another part of the family, and so we were even away from our own, away from home.
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Um, and I, I bought Kaya a present that I didn't even want to give it to him.
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Um, I was a little, a little satchel bag and I just, the feeling was, was like, yeah,
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I don't, I don't want to give this to you.
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Like, it just didn't feel right and, um, and I was really struggling with, um,
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longing for this boy, and I was aware of my, kind of, kind of compulsively checking his,
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his Instagram to see if there were any updates, and, um, and I was journaling about that,
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frequently, and, um, on my iPad, it was visible, as I was doing something else,
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it was visible in a past journal entry that said, obsessing about Gustavo.
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When Kaya came and asked me something and saw that, and was like, you're obsessing about Gustavo,
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assuming that this was the other Gustavo from way back when?
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Right.
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And I was like, no, not that Gustavo, but, um, at first I was just totally defensive, and was like,
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no, no, this is something old that you're seeing.
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And then I was like, well, no, that's not true.
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Um, this is another Gustavo, and yes, you're reading that directly.
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And he said, how, uh, how did you meet him?
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And I said, well, he was an escort.
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I met him on the escort side and his next question was, how much did you give him?
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And I, I mean, he told him the, the balance, 10,000 Brazilian hands, and he was just Lord,
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and said, I want to divorce.
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And I said, okay, um, and it was so awkward because there were family around that everywhere,
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kids around that we didn't want to, you know, this was Christmas Day.
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Um, so, uh, we were kind of talking tactfully about divorce, and, um,
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and me thinking, yeah, um, I, he wants a divorce that's, maybe that's the best thing.
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Uh, it's not going to be contentious.
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I'm going to be very fair.
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Um, everything that's come to us, including through my family while we're good together is happier.
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And there wasn't much fight on either of our sides, um, against the idea.
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And the next day we drove back to home home to Santa Rosa and, um,
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and he came to me and he put his hands on my legs and said, I, it breaks my heart that we're going to do this.
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Um, I really wish it could work, and I said, I did too.
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I don't want this outcome, um, but I get it, and I don't know what to do.
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And so we were at this kind of point where we both seemed to want something different,
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but, um, but also unsure about what needed to happen or could happen or what we were willing to do to make something different happen.
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I, I said, um, I said, um, I, I think I'm willing to do whatever it takes.