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I'm just finishing fixing my coffee and I realize that I normally like to be set up with
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the camera up perfect and to start the session and it's like why not take the iPad with
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me. Kitchen finished my coffee so we're mobile. Yes. Because boy I have a lot to a lot of
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help I need today. So I don't know if I told you about this that I've been making friends
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with who I began to see when I first moved out as a escort and then he left town we had
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a lot of fun together but he left town and when I was in that apartment for while these
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visitors were here. He proposed that he could come back to Rio because he needed a place. So I helped
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him with his apartment and he said and I'll make it up to you by being you every day. So that was kind of the
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way of many experiences that I had with boys of this age and I began to just be surprised over and over
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that he wasn't letting me down and every time I would think that he's got something better
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to do than playing canceled. It was just like one thing after another that he was delighting me.
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He's a really nice guy. He's super smart. He's been to the U.S. a couple of times because
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he's doing exchange students stuff but he's in this rut of his parents kicked him out because they're
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evangelical and he's gay obviously. A friend of his was invited him to do some content production and his
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friend was doing escorting so he saw that that was an easy way to make money. But he's adorable
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and he likes this kind of role of me being a father figure and I like this role of him being a son
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and that's like a sexual dynamic but it's also a relationship dynamic that I think I'm
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a little more conscious of this time but as the number of times that we've seen each other begin to
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accumulate and increase, I started getting worried that there's going to be pain somewhere.
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I've been down this road twice this year and they worked out terribly both times.
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So what am I doing differently or what do I need to do differently?
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Those questions and meanwhile as I'm considering these things, he still is coming every day to see me.
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So Kyos's dad was going to come on Monday and we were going to drive to Santa Rosa but that's delayed till Friday
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because I haven't done a very good job packing and just been procrastinating obviously but that's given us more time to see each other too.
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We've had many conversations and I've said, so I'm worried that when I go to São Paulo, we've been seeing each other every day.
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I don't know what it's going to feel like when I don't see you and I have feeling I'm going to miss you.
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Of course you will and I will too and just like I missed you yesterday when I couldn't see you.
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I've also talked about I know that this is what you do for a living and even though you haven't seen any other clients since you've been back in Rio,
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I know that when I'm gone, I certainly don't expect you to not.
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So we've talked about that and yet it doesn't take away the feeling of risk and the feeling of investment of vulnerability.
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So that's sort of the pattern of how this has been developing on Friday.
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On Sunday, I had my, it's called a soda out of the sorout, it's an event that my piano teacher has at his studio three or four times a year where all the students play and it's like a rehearsal for family friends and other students.
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And I did one in September that Kyle couldn't make it.
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And I've really been working towards this preparing for this event for diligently for the last two weeks but really for the last three months.
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It's sort of the semester of work and showing myself more than anything else what I've accomplished.
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And I realized that you know, Kyle wasn't going to be able to be there.
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And I started thinking about inviting Gustavo and that's the only thing is his name is Gustavo which is the name of the first boy.
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Yeah, I had alluded to him but he, I think I was also minimizing it a little bit.
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And yeah, it's hard to keep people in compartments when they're living human beings.
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So I invited him and I was really mixed about whether to invite him.
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And I actually waited until like three days before the event because I was thinking like, is Kyle going to be upset that this guy went to my, I think, with me in that, how is Kyle going to feel if he wants to go to the next one when he knows that somebody else went with me?
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And is he going to feel less than or have compared himself? And there's a lot of fear about Kyle.
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And then on the other hand, I was like, this is the closest thing to a friend that I have right now.
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And he loves music. He loves my piano playing. He supports me in like half a life room and he plays with him too.
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He's very musical. And I was like, you know, yes, there's reason based on my experience to think Kyle might feel a certain way.
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But I want to have somebody there to celebrate this with me and to go through this conquest with me.
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So I invited him. He was thrilled.
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And it was Sunday at 5 pm. And we continue to see each other pretty much every day. And Saturday, we went to a movie.
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And Sunday, I get a message from him in the morning. I did not wake up well. Something's not right. I'm vomiting. I'm sick.
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And he didn't say like, I won't be able to come this night. But I was immediately thinking he's not going to come tonight.
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And I had gotten up at 8 o'clock that morning to start practicing and got till about noon before I saw that message, which was a blessing.
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He sent it at like 10. So I got my morning practice and but once I saw the message, I immediately started creating this fantasy, the story that he had something better to do.
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And that he, it was either another client that reached out and he saw more opportunity with that other client or a friend, a boyfriend or something, you know, whatever that something else was more important than me.
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And I was very conscious of that. At the moment, I was like, you don't have any evidence that he's being dishonest.
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He hasn't been dishonest with you yet. Why are you doing this? And tried to just kind of walk through it, feel it and be like this is human.
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It's a big deal for you this day. And yet there was this this part of me that, and I don't know if this is the definition of self pity, that there was feeling sad for myself, like, and it makes me sad to remember it.
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Because what I'm doing these days, this year really has been because I made this decision before the year began that I was going to focus on music.
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So the idea of celebrating it in solidarity or solitude was so sad.
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And I was kind of like, there was a little bit of like, you know, my teacher's going to see that once again, I said somebody was going to come and come me alone.
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And Gustavo messaged me a couple times throughout the day, many times. And I was checking on him how he was feeling.