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15 minutes but okay all right Harvey you're two been two weeks two weeks in a day
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to have a nice Thanksgiving good thanks for asking doesn't feel like Christmas
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at all here it's hot there's Christmas trees out but there's no it's weird
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there's no Christmas carols it's something that I never thought I would miss but
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just like that you go in a store and hear you know Christmas songs or on the radio
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and stuff it's just not a part of the culture here but it's been an interesting
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time I kind of a sad time of year for me these days and I heard something on
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I think it was Rachel Maddy was talking about blue Christmas and I'd never heard
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that expression but it has kind of become blue for me lately just because well
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because my mom's birthday is usually so close to Thanksgiving and yeah I didn't
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realize I was this emotional and Christmas was a big holiday for her and
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us as a family and Thanksgiving and Christmas together and because growing up I
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always got a Christmas break off from boarding school for Christmas and
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Thanksgiving there were always together so to me it's like the time is the
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same in her birthday on the 26th just almost always was like right there and
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yeah I've been missing her yeah anything in particular I'm raising up I mean I
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know this time of year memories but yeah I am missing her there's
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some sort of humor and motherliness yeah if if only I had known she was gonna die
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just because all the conversations I had with her in the last year she was
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alive it's like the tenderest moments of those and I there there's a voicemail
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that I saved for years now it's just never I've never had the guts to
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eat and it's from from January a month before she died in talking about our
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trip to North Carolina that we were gonna make it March and the Melissa
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found a house that I needed to go look at it and see what I thought and can I
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play it yeah super short but just she found a place she said what do you think
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call me back her messages were very we're often just very short and to the
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point and there there was often a dialogue through voice messages and yeah I
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missed that I think I'm also in touch with something about my father there's
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something happened yesterday to do before I went to the doctor and they're like
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so your mom died of what was it yeah and your father is he a living yeah is he
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healthy yeah I have no clue and is he living that's it let's say an interesting
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question to me he's not were you surprised that that was your thought to me he's not
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or is that it's kind of a new it's a it's it's a new like realistic response that
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sort of acknowledges the truth that I haven't heard that he's buried but there
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are signs of life and and I like such a perplexing thing for me to wonder what it
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will be like when he actually dies if it will be any different because this
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grief that I feel for my mother and I have felt and we'll continue to feel
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culture it's profound and I had no idea I mean I would have yes that yes from my
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mother passes that will hurt but wouldn't have had the idea to this extent I
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didn't I don't think I realized that I cherished her that much so naturally one
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would be sort of it one would wonder is well that's feel that way when your father doesn't
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you're like oh my gosh now I crave him it seems hard to match but it's also a
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different deal with him and it always has been a different deal with him but I
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remember in recovery in my 2023 reentry into recovery being in meetings and
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hearing people talk about their relationship with their father and that and I
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was like oh yeah I need to do that quickly before he's gone I need to make
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amends clear whatever's in between us so that I can have a relationship with him
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before he did he's dead and man how time has changed that desire and even then
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though that was after he had already disowned me but I didn't feel I didn't
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come to believe over these last couple of years where frankly it's obvious he
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doesn't care and it's it's probably also obviously that I don't care so much about him
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I didn't call him for his birthday this year and I didn't call him for his birthday last year
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and I don't plan to call him next year and if he had called me on my birthday
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that might have changed something but neither of us are we're trying to mend any
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fences but it gets mixed in with my mom because they raised me together and
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there's a lot of sweets the what sucks to realize right now is that I probably
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will feel something when he does and it's it's probably gonna suck and be
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confusing as just remembering last night coming back from this this music event
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that I went to taking the subway and at 10 o'clock at night just observing who's
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in the subway like but remembering all of my history and trains and my love for