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New place, a small apartment, little space for a few days, we got into a fight, let's see
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it was Monday night, I'm Tuesday night, Monday night, that it was about 10 o'clock and
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I've gotten back through a meeting and felt like it was a decent day, thinking about what
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we talked about and what do I want and planning on talking, coming back to talk to him on
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Monday, coming Monday to answer the question that he had asked, what do you want?
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But he, instead at 10 o'clock after I'd taken my sleeping pills, said, Graham, I want to talk to
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you, I just, I've been trying all day to think about how to tell you without upsetting you and
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I've discovered that I'm scared to talk to you, I try to think of how to formulate something
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that you're not going to be defensive, but he needs to be defensive, he said, I'm scared to tell you what's on my mind
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and that concerns me, I don't see how, and I said, I'm beginning to think that you can't
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change and that, and I interrupted him right there, it's me to begin to fear that you can't
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change and it was like a defensiveness that came up, I did eventually, after he's like, you're not
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even going to let me say what I'm just going to say, it's like, okay, sorry, but my response, that
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defensiveness was triggered very quickly with that, you can't change and the issue was that
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that when I came to bed on Sunday night, I came to bed and then I couldn't sleep, so I went to the
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fridge, got the milkshake that I had bought earlier, which put in the freezer and brought it to bed and
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was with the straw and the milkshake, eating the milkshake, which made some noise that woke him up and
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kept him up and he didn't sleep, he said, it's not because of you eating but that's what
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woke me up and now I'm tired and I couldn't sleep, I couldn't wake up because I was tired in the morning
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and I said, and he said how many times have I told you not to eat in bed, we've talked about
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this and I woke you up last week showing you a grape that was in bed and the stems from the
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grape and that this is going to kill her dog and I said yes, I remember you waking me up, it was very
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dramatic, just so you know our dog doesn't like grapes and he said that would have been good to know, but
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you, how many times have I talked to you about eating in bed and putting clean clothes in the
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dining room table where, putting dirty clothes in the dining room table or the clean clothes are
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or flushing the toilet after your pee and it made me feel very child that just can't get it
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through his head to do these certain things and I said yeah, there's things that bother me about
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you too, I don't, they're not coming to mind and there's honestly, I have a lot of tolerance
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for your flaws that I feel like you don't have for mine and it just escalated and you know I did
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make a point to tell him that I heard his complaint and that that wasn't a big deal, I get it that I
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was eating a milkshake versus eating something crunchy with the plate and that I didn't realize it was
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anything edible, but that I was sorry and that that wasn't a, that I could take that, but that the
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part that really got me was this you can't change and it got to a point that I was like I'm
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going to go to bed, went to bed and then he came in and said I'm going to sleep in the other room
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and I said good I'll sleep better and it was gratuitous for me to say that it pissed him up
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morning and he said you know maybe we should just go ahead with the presumption that we're going to get it
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of course and survived and so we have, I can't remember if I told you this, a cousin that's
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coming today, Kyle's cousin to stay with us and she's staying until Sunday and Kyle was nervous
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about I was like if you're not going to sleep in the bedroom what are we going to do with
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she gets here and he's like that's the least of my worries so the next morning I messaged
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our realtor and said hey they have another apartment Kyle and I are having some trouble
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this is a friend of Kyle's but I need a place for a few days and so I he's like sure I get it
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here's a place and I told Kyle and he was like oh my gosh spending money that we don't have
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I don't for leashes the least of my worries but it's going to be weird actually with you
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not being here that's going to be harder to explain than us sleeping in different bedrooms
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and I was like you know what I feel like the more we're around each other right now the
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more possibility there is for an explosion and that's damaging to our relationship
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and if we can have some space which I feel like I need to breathe I think it will do us good
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and I had to so this was yesterday we talked about it a bit and I calmly and I said to him
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I there are a lot of things that really hurt me to think about that are painful to imagine
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you not being in my life there are things that I'm sure for both of us are very tender memories
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and sentimental things they will pass but I don't want to my default isn't that I want to
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not be with you I really took your question very sincerely of what do I want
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what and what where do I find myself with that question and I don't have the answer yet
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so let's take this time you be with Felicia as much as you want to but she leaves on Sunday
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I'll come back to the apartment because he said I'm thinking his dad will come pick him up
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and take him to San Rosa and he'll spend some time there and I'll be back in our apartment
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and it might be a couple weeks it might be three weeks
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and we didn't really define a time necessarily when we're going to come back
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but packing my stuff yesterday was a little hard just enough for four days