5:38
recording ground? Yeah, it's one of those days where internet is questionable. But
5:55
and I was like waiting, watching the zoom thing circle and I was like, well I can
6:00
use my iPad because it has internet, at least the cell phone, so I have to have
6:06
backups. But I think we're... I understand. It's it's high time we meet. Gosh. Okay.
6:23
What a what a seven days. Really struggling to be a good husband and yeah
6:38
that's that's kind of it right now. I can't remember if he was I'm pretty sure
6:48
he was already having illness issues last week but the sort of taken over the
6:56
spot of the emotional distress and such with the relationship and not eating
7:09
he's in a depression and when he does eat it either comes up or goes out and
7:19
just a lot of pain from Lasoficus all the way through him rides. And the GI stuff
7:31
has been going on for years and it's I remember for many months this year
7:43
we were saying gosh you've been you haven't been able to have a calm stomach since
7:49
November and then it was in April and May. It was like finally he had a break and he
7:56
was healthy for a month or two and but now it's it's back and it's the voice in
8:07
his head is I'm a guy like there's there's there's something is there cancer
8:15
down in there or something it's and the fears that I have had too but that I try
8:22
you know keep them on and that's not instructive those sorts of things but it's
8:33
gonna be there for him and be it's it'd be a good listener a good friend and a
8:39
good husband and in some ways the cause of the the flare-up or because there is
8:54
a causal role that I feel like the stress has and that I'm causing stress and
9:06
and being assailed with reminders about what what I've done to him emotionally and
9:15
what I've been through relationship emotionally and last week was like was a
9:23
lot of he was continuing to use and and I was I was seeing that the future wasn't
9:32
including using and that got traction last week and the last day that I ended up
9:44
smoking the day that we met less that Wednesday night I ran across a joint in
9:52
the bottom of my cigarette pack and I knew that that was in a cigarette pack
9:56
somewhere and I told Kyle and I tried to find it with him and it showed up
10:01
and it was a problem to smoke this and and then and then I was like well it's
10:11
just my little secret because my sobriety day was yesterday and and then I was
10:16
like yeah that's the way I've always done it let's try something different
10:22
and I told Kyle's like hey I smoked and I'm frustrated that I did because because
10:31
I know I wasn't supposed to and that was supposed to be yesterday but I'm gonna
10:36
tell you and I'm gonna keep telling you and that's just gonna be the way it is
10:41
and he was really grateful and welcoming of that sort of approach and and did
10:52
it sick and having but it's in a slightly just that it's stuck I that's so
11:00
today is day seven and there've been six meetings so every day except will
11:08
accept Thursday I've gone to a meeting and I don't see that changing and
11:16
that's something that's different I'm really connecting with the fellowship here
11:23
and I've got phone numbers and people I've seen people at these same meetings
11:29
different meetings with same people and I'm getting known so that's it's
11:37
exciting it's it feels like a beginning that's different and that and almost like
11:49
maybe I had to go through that I've always been like a not a fan of relapse
11:55
part of the burden because it's not but but I do see how this time I needed to
12:04
to need that support and to where I was really willing to to overpower my
12:15
timidness and my grams the the quiet guy who just needs to be cool and keep
12:23
this cool and and just be like hey guys I need you I need help and I need you
12:30
all stick with me and tell me where you're going after this meeting and when's
12:34
your next meeting where do you all go and so that's going well but coming home it's
12:56
it's it's hard there were many days of hearing just regurgitations about
13:05
what I've done and that's sort of passing but but he's dealing with I think
13:15
really real depression that the voices telling him that he's a piece of shit
13:21
and that he he should have gone to this yesterday and he aspired to do this and
13:26
see he can't even do that and yesterday he was like Berlin's upset because he
13:34
feels like I've abandoned him I'm not being a good dad and that's because
13:39
Berlin was snuggled up against him and I was like he loves you he likes to be
13:45
snuggled up that's what it is he doesn't feel abandoned and I'm I'm getting
13:53
an aversion to this voice that is in his head there in certain things that he
14:03
starts to say that trigger me like I was in the shower this morning and
14:09
whatever comes next in the last two weeks have been disastrous I see Bernardo's
14:17
face and I see you have insight like the shower is not a good place these days