1:09
the graph. Hey, I can't tell if things are delayed. No, it doesn't see like it on my
1:23
hand. Okay. Good. How about you say A, B, C, D? A, B, C, D? Okay. E, F, G? All right. You passed.
1:41
Happy Holidays. So last week we caught up a little bit, but I was realizing this morning that the
2:07
time before that was before I went to Santa Rosa, I think, and so one thing that I didn't catch up
2:17
with you about from, I don't think, from that part of the trip is that marijuana worked its way back
2:24
into our life while we were in Santa Rosa. We hadn't talked about that. No, we didn't. Okay. So that,
2:37
that was something that, it was, it was a bit of a surprise, totally a surprise to me in that
2:52
on the second half of the drive from, from Rio to Santa Rosa, I was in charge of that part of
3:00
the drive and it was a beautiful sunset as we were arriving in the tranquil countryside and I remembered
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like there's something about sunsets that often is evocative to me of the times that I've seen it
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when I'm on something and I just missed, I had a little bit of a craving and I missed something
3:27
about it and later that night when we arrived, I said, you know, it's strange, it's feeling
3:34
as we were arriving, I kind of was reminiscing, romancizing about pot and just thought that was
3:43
interesting and he's like, well, I was going to ask you, I actually brought some pot from my boy
3:54
Venesis, he made two joints for me and I was thinking that I would bring them and that maybe we
4:04
could try smoking here and see how that worked or something and it was kind of shocking and I didn't,
4:25
like I felt a sense of weakness too, like that this is on a, I don't know, a day of a week, I think
4:33
of a Thursday or something and we're sitting out on the terrace, which is where we used to smoke and so
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the idea of smoking was very, very attractive and but I said, well, let's think about that. I need
4:55
to run to the store and like, just trying to like put some steps between me and that use, like even
5:06
if there were silly steps and so I ended up running errands, went downstairs, talked to his mom or
5:15
something and then I got a message saying, you're going to come up and I knew when I got that message
5:20
that it was like, somehow I just knew he's already smoked and I went up there and he said, yeah, I
5:27
smoked a little bit and that sort of pissed me off because I was like, well, you've mentioned that
5:35
we might do this, you mentioned that you've brought this and I kind of put a pause and now you've
5:43
smoked and you're saying, or you're going to smoke. I was talking to David about this later and
5:55
because I think we're going to use, I mean he brought the drug that you all, you're both of
6:05
your drug of choice and it was an environment where there was not anything between you and Edge.
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So, I emphasize that story just to, well, maybe to explain just how this has come back to
6:27
our lives for one thing. The rationale there was life in here in the middle of the sticks is
6:42
is much more interesting when you have a little something buzz but that there's also a lot less
6:53
commitment during the day to stay attended to and that perhaps the time in the woods and the interior
7:04
is, it's good for us to be somewhat disconnected. But the idea was, well, when we came to Rio, of course,
7:14
that whatever's happening here will happen there and the day that we came back we, I was
7:32
not convinced that we were actually going to stop but when Kaya was like, yeah, we're not going to buy
7:42
any more there, it kind of hit me like, okay, this was just a short-term thing. And we went on with
8:00
or two days later and then Kaya left with his friend in the woods while my friend was here.
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So, we didn't ever talk about it again until after my friend was gone for Europe and his friend
8:20
was gone and we were back here last weekend and that's when I said, hey, so little do you know
8:30
but when you left town Kaya to spend time with your friend while Dorian was here,
8:38
Dorian and I were on the beach and somebody came by offering her one and I said, right here,
8:46
and so that was my my week moment of being on the beach and literally it was right there and
8:56
and I thought there were one I knew that my husband was in the sticks, some camping with this hot
9:08
boy and that they were smoking somewhere and that this boy that I went with I met two years ago
9:14
who I'm not sure I really like and I'm stuck with for seven days and I'm a basket case because
9:25
Kaya and I are having some awkwardness around boundaries because like who was I going to make
9:37
out with Dorian? Well, how is it? It's just weird things about the sky visiting me.
9:42
The whole thing was just a learning experience. The whole Dorian visit was like
9:48
be careful to be invited to your country to spend seven days with you.
9:57
But Dorian came and went and Kaya and I, who we are still in marijuana, is now a part of our
10:05
fabric again. Yeah, I'm aware the logical next step for
10:27
sober Graham would be to say okay when when do I pick up a white ship? When do I say
10:42
this experiment was failure? Get sober whatever that is. But I I'm also not in a hurry to do
10:57
that frankly. David said you know I think he should just work the way towards that white ship
11:08
and we'll talk and I have no idea. I can see that the trajectory is the white ship is something
11:19
that's out there in front of me and the urgency to get there just didn't it doesn't feel
11:29
standard? So that makes me think those all the boring stories that are you going to make it
11:48
back in? It's a kind of comment about what is life from from my perspective on the inside of this
12:06
relapse. There's a coziness about it that with Kaya that there's an intimacy
12:20
that's very expansive right now and that there's nothing that secret. He knows about